#my mental health about to be in shambles i do not need this right now

[nastyhashi]

my heart is broken...

my vibrator is on its last legs 😔

[peachesofteal]

Reading “Dead Disco” again, and Lord does it bring back such familiar feelings.

I was Darling in my early twenties. I have bipolar disorder, and was horrible about taking my meds, causing my brain to be in shambles half the time. I had horrible anxiety, one boyfriend couldn’t stick around because he needed someone “normal,” it hurt. And it sucks to not fully understand yourself or why you act/think the way you do.

But then, when I turned 25, I met a man. And oooohhhh did he change my life. He saw me - I mean REALLY saw me. He didn’t let me push him away, he never let the nasty thoughts in my head win. If I fell into a dark space, he sat there with me until I felt strong enough to climb back out. He was there every step of the way. I didn’t think it would last, because, hello… it’s me. Surely I’ll ruin it, right? For once, I’m happy I was wrong.

On Wednesday, we’re going to our favorite restaurant to celebrate our five year anniversary, and after dessert, I’m going to give him the (well cleaned) positive pregnancy test I took two weeks ago.

My point, Darlings, is that it does get better. You will not be in the dark forever. You will find true happiness, whether it be through friends, a lover, a pet, a hobby, or (saving the best for last) yourself. Never stop fighting for your happiness. Ever. You are so much stronger and braver than you think.

I promise, we’re all going to be okay in the end. ❤️ sorry for the rant - your writing puts me in my damn feelings and I love you for it.

I wanted to keep this in my inbox forever, selfishly, but then I wouldn’t be able to share it with others who I know might be feeling or experiencing the same things.

Tw mental health (and some personal lore which feels a little uncomfy if I’m being honest but this felt important to me so)

I know your story. I suspect others know it too. I know how it feels to think something is broken in your brain, how it feels to be afraid that you’ll never “be normal”, what it’s like to think the best parts of your personality are actually just symptoms of some “mental disorder” (I call it ✨ spicy brain ✨ because I refuse to call anything disordered)

You’re right, the darkness does end. Things do get better. They did for me, they did for you, and they will for all the darlings who haven’t gotten there yet. With or without spicy brains.

The key is to not give up. Keep going. Keep fighting. Don’t quit. The world didn’t end when I was 17, or 23, or 25. It didn’t end through the highest highs and the lowest lows. I kept going and so did you, and I’m so happy for you. I’m proud of you. Of us. And to top it all off, you found your person. So did I. A triumph in itself, for someone like darling. And sure, do I still struggle? Yeah, as I’m sure you might as well. But we know the darkness doesn’t last forever, and I’d love to try to give that hope, that knowledge to someone who’s in the bottom of the well right now.

I’m unbelievably thrilled for you and your happiness. I hope your anniversary was lovely, and I’m sending you all my love for your big news.

Thank you so much for sending this to me. 🩵 this was really special.

[watarfallar]

Has anyone got any fluffy fic reccomendations? Preferably Scarian or Ethubs. Also sorry I haven't posted in a lil bit my mental health just went a bit brrr.

ALSO HAVE SOME MORE INCORRECT QUOTES!

Tango: Ah, yes. Here we have a beautiful couple... Joel: I really care about your feelings! Lizzie: I really care about YOUR feelings! Tango, turning their head: ...and then there's the disaster couple... Scar: YOU NEED TO PAY MORE ATTENTION TO ME INSTEAD OF BEING AT THE HOSPITAL! Grian: I WOULDN'T HAVE TO SPEND SO MUCH TIME AT THE HOSPITAL IF YOU STOPPED INSISTING ON FIGHTING EVERYONE WHO COMES WITHIN A FIVE FOOT RADIUS OF YOU

Bdubs: God, if only someone loved me… Etho: *standing behind them with roses* Grian: *holding box of chocolates* Cleo: *has balloons and a card* Joel: *facepalms* This is sad.

Grian: Having two partners is both amazing and complicated. But all our problems are solved with communication. Scar: It’s my turn to cuddle Mumbo. Grian: FIVE MORE MINUTES DAMMIT!

Etho: So... what would you do if you were in bed with me? Bdubs: Depends. Is your bed comfortable? Etho: Yes. Bdubs: I'd sleep.

*Grian comes home absolutely drunk, undresses, and stands in Scar’s bedroom.* Scar: Babe, are you.. coming to bed? Grian: No thank you, I’m sure you’re lovely but I have a husband. Grian: *Lies on the ground and falls asleep* Scar: ...

Jimmy: Talk dirty to me~ Tango: Inflation is a serious problem and lumber prices are at a high. Jimmy: Wha- Tango: The economy is in shambles.

Jimmy: *Holding up a pack of pencils* These are kinda cute. Scott: Jimmy, that’s gay. Jimmy: We’ve been dating for 2 years—

Tango: Is there a cactus where your heart should be? Grian: What’s up your ass this morning! Jimmy: *walks in* ...Hey. Grian: Hmm… nevermind. Tango: WAIT NO!

Grian: If you had too, what would you give up food or sex? Joel: Sex. Etho: Seriously, answer faster. Joel: I’m sorry honey, when they said sex I wasn’t thinking about sex with you. Etho: It’s like a giant hug. Grian: Scott, what about you? What would you give up sex or food? Scott: Food. Grian: Okay, how about sex or dinosaurs? Scott: Oh my God it’s like the movie Sophie’s Choice. Ren: What about you Scar? What would you give up sex or food? Scar: Oh... um... I don’t know, it’s too hard. Ren: No, you gotta pick one. Scar: Um, food... no, sex... no, food... sex... food. Ugh! I don’t know! I want both! I- I want hot people on bread!

Tango: Etho doesn’t deserve you. Tango: If they don't treat you right by now, you're gone. Bdubs: I'm gone. Tango: Now go chop their dick off!

[anteroom-of-death]

When We Meet Again, part 1

Synopsis: A new teacher at Roundview has to deal with her first Parent's Night. She meets a man that has quite the large amount of baggage and gossip around him.

a/n: a fic! From me?? Nah son. Thats crazy. Multi-chapter love for this man coming tho. Slowly. One day. Love you alllllllll.

Parent’s Night, the bane of any teacher’s existence. Truly a hell on Earth, between those parents that thought your job was just to babysit and those that were willfully ignorant about their children’s behavior in school, you couldn’t take it.

At least those were miles better than the ones that took their children’s academic prowess as a mark of their own success.

The student who’s father was coming in now, the mother eloped with some German man, was named Sid. Your heart went out to him. Really. His home life was in shambles. Said father was recently in hospital for something about his heart.

Local gossip mills and the teacher’s lounge still shattered with the grips of poor Sid’s tragic, dramatic home life.

You’d be a bit more supportive if it was only that; his home life.

Sid seemed to be intent on dragging everyone else in the school with him, however. Hopeless, truly.

What a time to get into teaching!

The man wobbled in, he wasn’t unattractive. The mother was insane for running off. You marked the whole explosive thing as probably personality-based. That’s why people cheated in mostly. Personality and boredom. Usually, appearances had seldom to do with cheating. Super models got cheated on all the time…

Maybe he inherited his father’s personality?

You suddenly didn’t fault the mother.

His eyes seemed perpetually wet as he sat down across from you. They were lovely. Not quite blue, not quite green, grey and gold flecks throughout, rimmed with an exhausted red line. The sudden locked contact of them shot through your core. Framed with lush, arched brows and pretty little lashes…

“My wee boy, how’s he been?” The man; Mark, according to your records asked. It was earnest. “I’ve been trying my best to get his grades up.” He swallowed as you caught a glimpse of the scar from surgery under his wrinkled, wrongly-buttoned shirt.

You swallowed back. He seemed gravely concerned, with genuine love for Sid bubbling forward. The way he asked seemed so gut-wrenchingly genuine and paternal concern that broached towards reverent.

Definitely not inherited personality faults from him, you walked back your previous guess.

“Not good, his grades continue to slip. He keeps moping about some girl named Cassie. I keep telling the school councilor to get involved. He seems unreachable.” You went for brutal honesty. A man who was briefly declared dead would appreciate that, right?

He let a few choice words. It felt well-suited. Duly earned.

You felt for him truly…

Leaning forward, you laid out a sympathetic hand on the man…

“He’s nearly catatonic. It might not be a matter of skills.” You reasoned. “He has gone a through a lot…maybe try to get him in for a psych eval?” You tried to give seasoned advice and speak from what little experience you had.

He sighed.

“Just tell me what to do.” Mark resigned himself into a self-conscious slouch. “He has to do better in life than me or even his grandfather did.” He seemed content to all but hover above the surface of the desk.

Definitely not personality-based cheating, you thought as you rolled back your previous observation. Unless this was a new personality based on his health scare and Sid driving him to his limit.

Oh well, so much for gossip-based psychology!

You put a caring, cautious hand on his shoulder. (Bony, yet firm you remarked.) He was close to breaking into tears. It wasn’t fair.

“He’s already got a good support system in you and what the school administration can provide. Get him the mental health care he needs. It may not be a perfect fix, but it’ll help.” You felt yourself rubbing soothing circles into this near-perfect stranger’s upper back.

His back felt almost muscular. Thin, oddly spaced out. But firm. Just like his shoulders.

It wasn’t all that bad to touch.

Something overtook you as you produced a post-it and wrote your number down. It was a bad, possibly sideways move. Definitely not in the teacher’s handbook.

You shook yourself. You just didn’t want to see this man fall into disarray further because of his son. The boy was this close to falling through the cracks completely. People usually inherited their mental health struggles from their parents…

Nothing else. Clearly not a sudden desire to see this man again.

“Why don’t we meet up outside for a coffee and we can discuss this somewhere cheerier?” You slid it forward. “Ring me on there and we’ll chat, hopefully somewhere with outdoor seating.” You laughed a small laugh as of to diffuse the situation and show your metaphorical belly.

“Aye. That’ll do.” He took the post-it and slid it into his jeans pocket.

“I know you cannae waste all your time on me. You’ve got parents queuing up for miles.” He said as he got up and shuffled clumsily to the door.

You went back to your notes about said meeting as some other kid’s parents trotted in.

You couldn’t wait for your coffee date.

Or whatever it was.

Definitely not a date!

[friend-of-a-cat]

Apologies for not really being that active on here (or anywhere online, really). It's really been one thing after the other in my life right now, and I'm honestly not going so great. Like, my physical and mental health are actually kind of in shambles. I don't actually have anyone to talk to about any of it right now, either. But I will prevail! This is only one chapter in my life, and there will be many more. I'm just trying to focus on doing things that bring me happiness because god knows I need that right now. And when I move back to my hometown I'll hopefully be able to see a psychologist and a physio to help. Or at least have a doctor who listens to me for once. And I know I don't have to apologise, but still. Just wanted to update you guys, as you all bring me a lot of joy. <3

[cressthebest]

Crimson Rivers thoughts pt. 21

chapter 36:

1. “It's been so long. Oh, there you are, here you are, hi,” *deep breath* AHHHHHHHHH

2. 😭😭😭 “Remus keeps a firm grip on him and turns around to promptly leave, which is probably a little rude, considering that the others are here and may wish to greet him, but he honestly can't bring himself to care about that right now” i would expect nothing less

3. WOLFSTAR REUNION!!!! I AM IN SHAMBLES!

4. “On the way, James glances back with a grin, internally wishing Sirius all the good things, because no one deserves them more.”

oh. wow. that’s such a soft line. it’s literally making me melt

5. “Remus could not be more in love if he tried.” shit shit shit shit sobbing. wolfstar deserves the world

6. “He does love Sirius, though. Loves him dearly, with every defiant bone in his body. This man, who doesn't even realize the importance of what he's just done by giving Remus an unopened envelope. Remus, who owns nothing. Remus, who has nothing. Remus, who is not granted privacy or freedom for anything like this, for anything at all.”

i am on PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION and i am BAWLING my eyes out as silently as i possibly can. y’all don’t understand the restraint i have right now to not loudly sob

7. the LETTER has me CRYING

8. THE SECRET MESSAGE

9. oh, okay. remus killed an auror/greyback. it’s honestly not as bad as i thought it would be. also, i love the lily and remus duo. they’re so iconic

10. i LOVE LOVE LOVE that zar made a point for sirius to have the discussion that his demisexuality is NOT because of trauma and he’s always been that way. it’s beautiful <3

11. “”You can ask Regulus and James; I walked around for a solid month making everyone call me Mr. Sirius Macdonald."” STOP PLSS THATS SO FUNNY

12. SIRIUS JUST TOLD REMUS HE LOVED HIM!!! this is literally so sweet

13. andjskjdksksjsms the authors note:

“sirius, internally: a guillotine could not sever the head im about to give this man. good for them 😌”

chapter 37:

1. i’m starting a gofundme to get regulus a balcony

2. "”Sirius doesn't let me drink," James replies flatly.

"Well, don't say it like that, James. You make it sound like I'm a strict parent, or a controlling spouse," Sirius grumbles. "And I do let you drink, in moderation, when you're in a safe environment and in a good mental state. Don't forget to mention that you only let me drink within those same rules."”

i bet james is upset with the rules he made for sirius so long ago. came back to bite him in the ass

3. describing sirius as “ruffled like an offended bird” has done wonders for my mental health

4. james, remus, and sirius are all hanging out and i am beyond angry that peter doesn’t get to share this moment

5. pandora is such an angel and doesn’t deserve this pain

6. pandora and reg friendship >>>>>>>>>

7. their outfits for the night!! every last one of them is slaying so hard

8. “There's a tense moment where a group of murderers all stare around at each other, not opposed to adding a few more names to their lists. Oh, and Pandora is there, too, startlingly calm despite this.”

yaxley needs to shut his fucking mouth and stop implying that sirius will fuck his way through issues

9. “"You know what they'll assume we're doing."

"Running away," Regulus mutters.

James sighs in exasperation and fond amusement. "No, Reg. Fucking. They'll assume we've snuck off to find a corner to go fuck in."”

😭😭😭😭😭 i love reg. he’s so ready to leave

10. jegulus is getting their shit together and improving. i’m so glad

11. “James swallows. "They're—they destroy things now, when they never did before. They're rough sometimes. Bloody."

"Warm," Regulus counters, pressing another kiss to James' shaking fingers. "Steady. Strong. These hands hold the people you love. These hands care for them. They're gentle. Tender."”

this is love. what they have is love. it’s messy and broken and so difficult, but they’re trying and it’s love

12. and once again we have wolfstar my true loves ☺️☺️

i feel like nows a good time to add to respect bizzarestars’ wishes to not have the fic reposted or reuploaded a different site. i can’t remember his wishes about bookbinding, but respect those as well.

thank you, lovely people

[multifandomslxt]

BLACK ROSES Pt. 2

Pairing: Mafia!Lee Jeno x Florist!Reader

Trope: Grumpy x sunshine

Genre: Dark Mafia Romance

Word Count: 2K (i think)

Synopsis:

Lee Jeno is a dangerous man. From going on k!lling sprees for fun to torturing and k!lling his own father. He does it all. In short Lee Jeno is the devil.

Y/N is a florist. She's as pure as they come. Nothing exciting ever happens in her life and she’s okay with that. In short Y/N is an angel.

He was bad and she was good. They were complete opposites.

…Or so they thought

Get your tissues for this one. It's gonna be one hell of a ride

Warnings for this chapter: Mentions of drugs, g*n violence, illegal dealings.

*(((((A/N: you guys enjoyed the first chapter so I shall continue this. Enjoyyyy<3333))))*

Flower of the day (Pay attention to these...they're a clue): The Echinacea is a flower that is very beautiful. Echinacea flowers are often associated with health and healing. 

                                                                           

'Dry hump him'  my conscience screamed at me

'Absolutely not.' I screamed back.

 I had no idea what to do in this situation,

He was still staring at me

I was still staring at him

Just back up and pretend as if nothing happened, I thought.

Okay, back up on three

One

Two

Thr-

Suddenly he stood up straight and flicked his wrist and checked his watch

"Peonies. I came here for peonies, where are they?" he asked

My mind was still in shambles but thankfully I managed to answer

"They aren't here right now. The delivery guy should be here soon so if you'd like to wait then I-"

"I don't have time to wait I'm a busy man and you're wasting my time" he interrupted

'I'm a busy man blah blah blah' I mentally mocked him

"Well then leave." I rushed out

" Leave? Nobody speaks to me like that. I need the peonies. Where are the fucking peonies?"

Damn, his attitude changed real quick.

"This is a shitty establishment you have here" he grunted

I gasped "shitty?"

Did he just call Izzy's 16-year-old business...shitty?

"Sir, first of all, you said that you were a busy man so I simply suggested for you to leave. Secondly, I explained to you the reason why we don't have your peonies, and thirdly if this is what you call a shitty establishment then it is clear as day to me that common sense is not your virtue now take your arrogant, self-centered, ill-mannered self out of this 'shitty establishment." I finished

"You cle-"

He was interrupted by the chiming doorbell- Ricky and Izzy walked in

Thank God

Wait...

Izzy?

"Good mornin' Y/N, how's it goin'?" Ricky called out

Thank you Rick ,I was beginning to run out of comebacks

"I'm good Ricky T, how's the wife?" I asked

"Still as stubborn and wild as the day we met" he laughed while placing the boxes of flowers on the floor.

"Goodbye m'ladies" he tilted his hat and left

"Bye Rick"

"So what, you just forgot I was standing next to him?" Izzy interjected

I rolled my eyes playfully " Izzy you're not supposed to be here, what did the doctor say?"

She smiled halfheartedly "don't worry about what the doctor said love, it's nothing serious"

Knowing her, it wassomething to worry about

"M'kay" I answered shortly.

"The peonies, I need the peonies" A voice spoke from my left

Damn, I forgot he was here

I got up and made my way toward the boxes Rick had previously put down.

"Peonies" I mumbled while looking through the stack of boxes

"Ah ha" I said when I found them

I took out two dozen and made my way to the backroom to fix it up

Two minutes later I was behind the computer confirming hi- I mean Mrs. Lee's order with the flowers in hand.

"Here you go" I said as I handed him the bouquet

He grabbed it from my hand, placed a hundred-dollar bill on the counter and walked out bumping shoulders with Izzy in the process.

"Who was that?" Izzy asked as soon as he left.

"That's Mrs.Lee's son, I thought you knew that" I said

She gasped in disbelief "You mean that was little Nono?"

Nono?

"Jeno" I corrected

"Oh my goodness. He's changed, he didn't even recognize me" Izzy rushed out

"He's rude and arrogant" I tattled on him hoping to darken the good light Izzy happened to see him in.

Should I tell her he called the shop a shitty establishment?

"He's always like that with new people dear, don't take it to heart" she said while handing me a box of orange mocks

A pretty flower with an ugly meaning. 

Deceit.

"He's exactly like it y'know" I stated

"Like what?" she asked

"The flower, the orange mock. He's handsome and all dressed up on the outside but his attitude, personality and meaning behind his words are ugly." I said as I placed the box on the bottom shelf

"Maybe that's what he wants people to think, orange mocks can also mean gentleness." she uttered.

After Jeno left we continued our day as we normally would

Uneventful and void of extremely suspicious handsome men.

"Alright Izzy I'm heading out now" I shouted out

"Alright love see you tomorrow. OH, before I forget here's some lasagna I made last night" she said forcing the bag into my hands.

"Thanks Izzy" with that I made my way through the door.

The first thing I realized after stepping through the door was that it was fricking cold.

"Shit I should've brought a jacket" I muttered while rubbing myself down in an attempt to get warm.

With a sniffle and a sigh, I made my way down the lonely street.

Some time along the walk, I started humming randomly while swinging the plastic bag with the container of lasagna.

I continued to hum enjoying the quietness of the area.

I loved quietness...I had time to think then.

Of course, the first thought that came up was one of Jeno.

That brat.

It had been three days since Jeno (Nono) had come and caused a ruckus in the shop.

Three days since I wanted to dry hump a human being within the first five minutes of meeting them.

"I hope Mrs. Lee got her flowers in good shape" I suddenly spoke aloud

For some reason, Jenno looked like the type of person who couldn't care less about flowers.

I wonder if he's married...no I didn't see a ring on his finger

Maybe a girlfr-

BANG 

BANG

Two loud gunshots made me stop in my tracks.

What the fudge?

Did someone just get shot?

This was New York it's not uncommon to hear gunshots at night. Because of where I lived I heard them regularly, but.....from a distance (two blocks down).

But these...these sounded like it was right around the corner.

I shut my eyes tightly while mentally screaming at my legs to turn around and run.

they didn't

I couldn't

 I was scared

'Can you please work? I don't want to die' I mentally screamed at my legs

"Cain answer the fucking question where the fuck is the Pearl" An unfamiliar voice spoke in a hushed tone

"Fuck" I cried quietly.

I was right, it was around the corner.

"L-listen I did what you asked me to. I left it at the docks I swear. When I went back to check on it.... I-it was g-g-gone" The man who I assume to be 'Cain' cried

"so you lost it" another voice from the previous two spoke.

"I- I didn't mean to" Cain bawled

"The fuck do you mean you didn't mean to? that was 10 million dollars worth of c*caine"

C*caine?!

OH HELL NO

I need to run

I need to run right now

'You've been saying that for a while now' my conscience snapped

"당신은 쓸모없는 똥입니다."

"W-wait just give me another chance I'll get it back" Cain begged 

one of the bad men chuckled "And how do you expect to get 10 million dollars in 24 hours 암캐."

This time Cain didn't answer

It was silent for about two minutes before one of the bad men said something

"그를 죽여." 

Then I heard a gun cock

"Please, I have two daughters...I'm the only thing they've got left. Don't do thi-"

BANG

BANG

BANG

Three shots.

"마약을 잃기 전에 생각했어야지"

I screamed and covered my ears

"Help " my voice shook.

My head hurt

My ears felt like they were bleeding

My knees buckled

And my chest felt like it was going to explode

"Who's there?" a voice called from the corner

I held my breath trying to stay quiet... but it was way too late

Suddenly quick footsteps slapped the pavement

They were running towards me and for the first time that night, my legs listened to me and turned around.

I made it three steps before I ran into a chest

I gripped onto the stranger's clothes not caring to lookup

"Please... please help...I'm scared" I sniffled

"I don't want to die." I finished still gripping the stranger's shirt

Suddenly cold fingers gripped my chin and made me look up...

"Help me please" I whispered suddenly tired

The unknown person sucked in a breath

"씨발"

The last thing I heard before I passed out.

....................

"Madam please wake up" 

"Madam?" the unfamiliar voice continued 

"Ughh... five more minutes " I begged 

"Madam your breakfast is going to get cold" the voice reasoned 

"For fuck sake can you stop calling me madam and let me sleep" I responded annoyed.

these damn roommates of mine are gonna be the death of me.

Wait.

Roommates? 

Since when do I have roommates?!

I don't have roommates...I live alone!!

My body immediately shot up and my eyes were now open wide as I stared at the woman in front of me.

"Finally you're awake madam" she smiled

"WHO THE HECK ARE YOU!?"

[lakesbian]

The tears were flowing more freely now. Stupid. Boys weren’t supposed to cry.

okay sorry im generally appreciating sy's completely in shambles mental state right now but i do have to pause to be confused about where this is coming from. like he always works to restrain himself from outright uncontrolled sobbing or weeping, for a variety of obvious factors like his general need to be in control of himself, his desire to take care of the lambs instead of being one of the ones being cared for, etc, but there's never been a gendered slant to it. and he does cry frequently, he very regularly tears up and chokes up and even has tears roll without ever thinking "fuck im being unmasculine." i could see a scenario where it's that he's operating on a technicality and it's not Real crying unless he's not restraining it as hard as possible, but i don't think he would delude himself like that, and again, there's to my memory been literally zero precedent for him caring about not meeting Boy Standards with shows of emotion or literally anything else. so like. what. but also thank god lillian noticed his mental health crisis

[mintytealfox]

my dear minty

I might be an au for you to nimble on.

Are you familiar with either HP Lovecraft's "Colour from Out of Space" and/or Jeff Vandermeer's "Annihilation"(which was also made into a movie starring Natalie Portman).

If not, then in most essence these stories are as followed: A strange meteor falls to earth, and not only turn the surrounding area into an eldritch location but also transforming both the minds and bodies of the people in that area.

So what about this

Norton five years after the mining accident and becoming a prospector is given a letter requesting him to be a part of an expedition team to look into the strange happenings of an area that no one can explain for the last few years, and he would be rewarded a large amount of money if he agrees......

the only problem is.... the area that's affected is an abandoned mining town and it's surrounding wilderness...... the Golden Cave being uncomfortably close by.

And having to choose between his mental health and money, he chose the money hoping that he will just be surveying the land and he won't have to go underground, right?? Part of the expedition team is Alice, Melly, Frederick, and Orpheus.

And him and Alice would form this closeness on the expedition while they are dealing with eldritch abominations, horrible transformations, and✨️trauma✨️.

What do you think

Anything you want to add?

-SLAMS DESK- THIS GOES SO HAAARRRRDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD I LOOOVVEE ALL OF THIS SO MUUCCCHHHHHHHHHHH

LOL you're right, he absolutely would choose the money! -WHEEZE- this guuuyyyyy, his mental health is in shambles and doesn't exist right now PFF

GOSH LOOOOOOL the image of Norton seeing the group he needs to work with and is like ".......we are all going to die, what even is this group" Melly: "well aren't you pleasant..." -folds arms- Norton: "yea, thanks for noticing" Melly: 😡

THEN

Them all running from these shadow monsters made of rocks Alice: "WHAT ARE THESE THINGS??" -trying to grab photographs of them as she runs- (it almost looks like she is having fun lol) Orpheus: "People Norton killed a few years back" Norton: "HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW THAT" Melly: "so YOU'RE the reason we are going to die" Norton: "OKAY HOLD ON THERE IS A LOT OF CONTEXT MISSING HERE" Frederick: "what possible context could make this any better"

-------

BUT GOSH THEIR OUTFITS OH MY GOSH I GOTTA GIVE THEM COOL OUTFITS I GOTTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

scifi with a dash of edwardian! COLOR ME OBSESSED

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OH and the idea that Norton and Alice get separated from the others and the find a place for shelter to rest and are just chatting: Norton: "I can't help but notice that you're the only one that looks like they are having fun here" Alice: "you can't deny that there is beauty here, sure there is mortal peril, but the rest of the world has mortal peril as well" Norton: "well, outside of this place at least we don't have to worry about giant mutant canary bird worms bustin' out of the ground screaming at us" Alice: "true~ but I have never seen a more beautiful place~" Norton: "....alright, I will try your way of thinkin'. I wonder if my sweet canary is around here somewhere, and maybe she will recognize me" Alice chuckles: "now isn't that a fun thought~"

So the group survivalist and the data collector are together

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WHILE Melly and Frederick being stuck together and she is there to protect the wildlife while Frederick is the sniper and there to shoot and protect the team. So they clash BIG time

-Frederick aiming- Melly: "PUT THAT GUN AWAY" Frederick: "YOU'RE INSANE, YOU BETTER CALM IT DOWN IN 3 SECONDS BEFORE I SHOOT IT OR IT KILLS US"

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Then Orpheus is the NERD of the group who knows the most about this place and what is going on, and is all on his own having a wild ride of 'awakening' going on this 'spiritual journey' becoming a little too AT ONE with this twisted nature here, oh my GOSH

Orpheus being the obvious first one to begin transforming. Then Norton after. 😭😭

[neowinestainedress]

any time, any place

title: any time, any place | part of christmas must be something more

pairing: suh johhny x lee taeyong x nakamoto yuta x jeong jaehyun x oc

genre: smut, non-idol au, established relationship, polyamorous relationship, smutmas

summary: the hectic rhythm before the holidays is stressful, but nothing that a lot of sex can’t fix.

warnings: free use | sex with multiple partners, with yuta (somnophilia, fingering, sex), with johhny (minor' knife play', orgasm denial, rough oral sex, sex), with taeyong (oral sex, dry humping, cmnf, mirror), with jaehyun (rough anal, tied up, multiple orgasms), praise, degradation, mentioned 3some, a lot of touching. * the scenes are in this order so if you want to skip one, you can. all the kinks are consensual but there are still implied cnc elements in the kinks so if you feel uncomfortable don't read it.

words: 9.233k

taglist: @webscreams @multislut @roxyvogue @dullparadisewithtxt @yutas-princess02 @seongwhaffels @cosmiczen | couldn't tag: @yutascoffee127

Taeyong’s idea had brought back to the surface a few things Jade wanted to try, but one thing was filling her mind more than the others. It wasn’t even a want, at this point it was a need; the holiday season was the worst on her mental health and she needed to arrive on the 24th with her brain not in shambles. 

And usually, she had no problems bringing kinks up, but this felt so taboo she had no idea how to confront them. What if they found this weird? What if they found her weird?

“Why is this so urgent?” Johnny asked when Jade pushed him and Yuta into her bedroom in a rush, dragging them from the conversation they were having with Taeyong about how to set up the lights this year. 

“Because I want to tell you something, but I don’t know how to bring it up to all of you at the same time,” she confessed, making them sit on the bed while she walked in circles, biting her nails nervously. Maybe if only two out of four rejected her absurd proposal it would’ve felt less humiliating. 

“Are you pregnant?” Yuta asked, making her stop and glare at him. 

“What the hell, no,” she replied, shaking her head. “It’s about Taeyong’s idea.” 

“Uhm,” Johnny hummed, rubbing his thigh. “I thought we agreed with that, right? Did you change your mind?” 

“No, I didn’t. I want to try something but I — you promise you won’t judge me?” 

They looked at her and then at each other with a furrow but nodded anyway. “Why would we?” 

“Because we have never done anything of that kind and it’s… potentially embarrassing, but I want to try and I also need to just turn my brain off.” 

“Okay, isn’t this all about doing something new? Just tell us,” Yuta encouraged her, resting his elbows on his knees without dragging his eyes away from her. 

She took a deep breath, scratching her neck nervously, and then whispered, “I want to try free use.” 

“What?” Johnny asked.

“See! You said you wouldn’t judge!” 

“We barely heard you,” he defended. 

“Oh come on, you heard that right.” 

“Free use?” Yuta asked to make sure, and she hummed, torturing her nails. 

“Yeah… and for the whole weekend...for now…” 

“Oh, wow, you are stressed,” Johnny chuckled, making her sigh and sit between them, hiding her face into Yuta’s chest. 

“Hey, it’s fine,” her older boyfriend reassured her, caressing her back, “I think that’s kind of hot, never truly thought about it but why not, we can try. But we need to set some rules first.” 

“Are you sure you don’t think I’m weird?” She pulled away, this time playing with Yuta’s fingers to ease the tension.

“Yes, we will never find you weird. And you’re right, I think it can help all of us destress a little,” Johnny said. “Now, can we talk with the others?” 

She hummed, standing up, still without letting go of Yuta’s hands, and walked out of the room with them at her sides.  

“What happened?” Taeyong asked, lifting his gaze from the book he was reading, and stopping for a second of caressing Jaehyun’s hair while the younger was laying on his lap. 

“Nothing, she needs to tell us something,” Johnny explained, sitting on the other end of the couch, dragging her on top of him, while Yuta sat right beside him. 

“It’s not what you’re thinking,” Jade stopped them as soon as Jaehyun resurrected from slumber to stare at her with wide eyes and Taeyong’s jaw almost fell on the floor. “I wouldn’t give that news splitting you.” 

“Oh, you worried me for a second,” Taeyong whispered. 

“You gave me hope for a second,” Jaehyun joked. 

“I think this will make you happy just as much,” Yuta kidded, caressing her thigh, rubbing his thumb on her covered skin. 

“So?” Taeyong asked, tilting his head, eyes moving back and forth on his partners with curiosity. 

“It’s about the whole exploring new things, you know?” 

They hummed, eager to hear where this was going.  

“Well, I want to try free use…” she whispered, not knowing how to feel not able to read their reactions. “Are you disgusted or you don’t know what it is?” 

 “I’m not sure it’s what I think it is,” Taeyong confessed. 

“Yeah, me too.” 

“It’s pretty much what the name says, you can fuck me any time you want.” 

“Any time?” 

“Well, we have to set some rules but considering how horny and stressed I am, I think it would be weird for me not to be the one jumping on you.” 

“But like… without asking?” 

She nodded, “you already have my consent,” she explained, “and you are even free to don’t go all the way.” 

“Oh,” Jaehyun whispered, “like… like a doll?” 

She chuckled, “Yeah. You really didn’t know about it?” 

“No? Do I look like I would be into it?” Maybe, that sounded tempting, and he surely had heard something before, he just didn’t know it was a kink, and he didn’t know it worked like that. 

“I wasn’t expecting you to be this shy about this,” she replied with a chuckle on her lips. 

“Yeah, as if you wouldn’t have her anywhere and anytime always,” Johnny joked. 

“Shut up, I never thought of just starting without asking.” 

“To make it safer people usually pick other things that signal consent,” Yuta explained. “For example, a given shirt could mean completely free use, while another one to check-in before doing anything, and another one would mean that she doesn’t want to. As horny as she can be, going at it for so long might be exhausting, so it’s a safer way to still keep the exciting parts of the whole free-use thing without crossing lines.” 

“Yeah, that’s great,” Taeyong spoke after a while, mind already running imagining things. 

“So, are you okay with this?” She asked, looking at her other two boyfriends, waiting for their consent with anticipation. 

“Yes.” 

At the start, they were all too hesitant for Jade’s liking, it wasn’t even about the thrill of wanting to try it out, it was cause she was scared they were forcing themselves into it when they didn’t find it hot at all. The most they did were shy touches and some more heated kisses, but all the fun stopped there. 

Yuta was the first one to make a real move. He didn’t even intend to try it out that way, and that day, but when he came downstairs after finishing writing an article and saw her sleeping on the couch he couldn’t help but stop and stare in awe. White long socks covering her until her knees, a skimpy short skirt barely hiding her ass, and a warm sweater as a top. He found the contrast quite absurd but it was such a typical thing of her, even when they were outside she almost never wore tights under her skirt — at least they were longer than this sexy trap she pulled out when she wanted to act too shy to explicitly beg for a good fuck. ‘I’m not cold on my legs, my feet, yes, my feet are always cold, and my nipples get hard at the slightest blow of a breeze but my legs are fine,’ she had explained to him when he asked one time, and he had tried to dissertated how at night when she pulled all the covers on her, leaving him freezing she was cold, but now, cold or warm, it didn’t really matter. 

“Is she really sleeping?” Yuta muttered to himself, studying her expression, flushed face against the mattress, curls covering most of it to truly understand if she was asleep or not. But then his eyes landed on the bracelet on her wrist, the silver one they decided signaled free consent, and trying to hold back became harder. This was part of the play, right? 

“Every time, I mean it, even when I’m sleeping if I have this on.” Her words resonated in his brain, but he still felt there was something wrong, she was sleeping, and he felt weird about it, so he decided that maybe he could try it out later. But when she moved around, skirt rising up and bare ass in full display, it got harder to contain himself. 

So one of his hands slipped on her leg, brushing her through her socks before meeting the naked skin that was, weirdly enough, warm before creeping up on her ass. But one more movement brought him out of his trance, hand retracting as if he had been caught stealing, and he got up again, walking back and forth like a madman. 

And while he was so torn between his doubts and morals, a voice distracted him. 

“Hi,” she whispered, voice hoarse because of the sleep, and face signed with the marks of the sofa. 

“Hi,” Yuta said back, waiting for her to talk, to invite him, but she didn’t, of course, not, that was the point of it, no words spoken, not at the moment at least. But she did something before turning around and giving him his back, the tingling of the bracelet hanging from her wrist dangling out of the couch was the sign he was waiting for. 

So with less hesitant steps, Yuta moved closer to her, legs trapping her under him, seeing her eyes were open, partially at least, she still had the fucked out sleepy look on her face but also a victory smirk on her lips.

That was what she was waiting for. 

And while he found himself there, Yuta thought that maybe that was what he was waiting for too. There was something about watching her sleep, not only now, but always. The way she was totally relaxed, the way her lips puffed slightly and her lashes rested on her cheeks. Yuta couldn’t deny he had found himself staring more than once. But this, her skin so exposed and her body so vulnerable for something so delicate to happen, sparked a new flame inside him. 

Yuta pushed the skirt up, folding it on her back, revealing that nothing else was covering her, and traced his fingers on her soft ass, eliciting soft, muffled whimpers already and making her hips shift side to side once. He got she wasn’t totally asleep, but tired enough to don’t even try to take an active role in it. Yuta didn’t mind, he actually loved that she trusted them enough to try something like this. 

He moved back a bit, standing over her knees, while his hands cupped her ass, pulling the cheeks apart. “Fuck,” he murmured when her wetness glistened, slowly dripping down her folds. “You’re so wet.” 

He had no idea how he could fight the urge to pull out his hard cock and push into her right away, but for some reason, he did. It was probably because he wanted to feel her more, to don’t risk fucking her awake with strong thrusts he couldn’t control. So he easily slipped two fingers inside her, pussy welcoming him as if she had been waiting just for that. A low moan breathed out of her lips, and he could barely see her nails scratch against the couch under her but no other reaction came from her, except her walls squeezing around his digits. 

His head rolled back at the sight of his fingers stretching her out and the cum coating them white. He should’ve been used to it but he gave up by now, accepting that this love-haze was going to last forever. His other hand wrapped around her waist, kneading the flesh, just like he was used to doing always, knowing how much she loved physical contact, and as a clear answer, another sound of approval rolled out of her lips.

Yuta kept pumping his fingers in and out, maintaining a slow rhythm, and casually moving his thumb on her clit, watching with a grin on his face as her ass arched back. He didn’t even care at this point as if she was truly sleeping or just pretending, it didn’t matter as long as her body reacted that well. 

At the start, she planned on staying in that blurred state between sleep and wake, but somehow the small touches were lulling her back into a deep state of slumber. It surely was all caused by all the stress that weighed on her shoulders, but this felt especially nice and sleep-inducing. And when the first orgasm hit, she could only feel a striking sensation under her skin, making her tremble in his hold. 

Yuta moaned, pumping his fingers a few more times before getting up to leave his pants and underwear on the floor, sitting on top of her in a second. He wasted no seconds pushing into her, reaching down until his abs pressed against the soft flesh of her ass. But he didn’t start moving, he leaned down, moving her hair to the side, finally fully seeing her beautiful, relaxed face, leaving kisses all over it, on her cheeks, on her lips, until he reached her neck, moving the top to the side to nibble between her neck and shoulder. He stayed still for a while, enjoying the sensation of intimacy this moment emanated. Oddly enough the house was also pretty quiet, even if they were all home, except for Jaehyun. 

But his mind got swiftly brought back to her when her walls clenched around him, he let out a deep groan, forehead falling against her shoulders, inhaling her scent while he started moving, dragging his hips back and forth slowly. When he glimpsed at her, he was sure she was fully back to sleep, eyes completely shut and breath steady. That thought made something inside him click, moving back to envelop her waist with his hands, squeezing tight. 

Yuta was enjoying it much more than he expected just twenty minutes before. He felt like his head was clouded by desire, there was something about the way she looked right now. He loved her usual outburst of energy, especially in bed, she was a lot, always, so he had no idea what part of his brain was turning him on so much seeing her like that. 

Her small movements, barely perceptible, were driving him insane; her mumbled whimpers, her ass pushing back against him every now and then, her hands scratching against the couch. He still tried to keep his rhythm steady and slow cause there was something romantic in all of this and he didn’t want that magic to disappear. 

Yuta loved fucking her like this, he loved it even when she laid prone bone and didn’t stand on her knees, but right now it wasn’t what he wanted, and he cursed her for picking the worst sleeping position possible. He wanted to see her, to watch her chest move up and down, maybe even open her top to reveal her breast, but he didn’t know if it was worth the risk. 

“Oh, fuck it,” he murmured after thinking about it for a few moments, pulling out slowly, and gently trying to turn her over. 

“Yuta…” she mumbled, blinking her eyes before rubbing them with the back of her hands. 

“Shh, it’s me. Are you tired?” 

She hummed, staring at him with half-lidded eyes. “I… Yuta,” she breathed out, eyes closing again and hips lifting up against him. 

“Go to sleep, babe. You’re exhausted,” he shushed, caressing the hair that stuck to her forehead back, kissing her lips, and sinking into her again. “Let me fuck you back to sleep, would you?” He hummed, caressing her cheek with circular motions and doing the same on her hip, it always worked when she needed to relax and it was working even now. Only a faint ‘yes, please,’ rolled on her tongue before her eyes closed again. 

Yuta held back the loud moans, shaky hand moving to unbutton the first button of the sweater, the material soft enough that her boobs were visible with no need to undress her more, they weren’t even completely exposed, but Yuta liked the desperation of this, of clothed sex. He liked that he could only partially see her skin while her soft tits bounced with his slow strokes, and his brain spun just seeing how hard her nipples were, peeking against the midnight blue of her cardigan.

Yuta truly wanted to take it slow and don’t rush things up and wake her up, he was already surprised by the fact that she didn’t do it, yet. Jade had never been a heavy sleeper, actually, she was one that got up at the lightest of sounds. And the only logical thought that she was so stressed that she needed to relax so much actually made him sad for a brief moment until he realized he was helping with that and his thrusts picked back up where they had stopped. 

He couldn’t hold back anymore, if she was stressed they were all just as much, and that was all he needed to distress. He didn’t even know how much she could feel of this, but now that her pussy was clenching around him tighter, and her chest was panting while her lips were parted to let out moans, he imagined she felt everything. And everything mixed together was what pushed him over the edge, coming inside of her with harder thrusts that finally woke her up again. 

Yuta stared at her, trying to calm his breath, still buried inside of her, watching her rub her nose and stretch, legs still shaking from the orgasm that must’ve woken her up. 

“Hi,” Jade mumbled, a sleepy, small smile on her face as she looked back at him. 

Yuta chuckled, caressing her hair, and kissing her. “Hi. Less tired?”

She shook her head, “Not really, maybe you can make me fall asleep another time.”  

The day after it was Johnny the one that made another move. Jade was in the kitchen, a vinyl playing in the living room while she hummed to the songs and sorted all the ingredients to bake a cake. The house was empty except for her and Johnny, but she had no idea where he was, after breakfast and a shower, she didn’t see him anymore. 

But he was there, leaning against the doorframe, silently watching her swing her hips to the tune. He loved when she wore these types of dresses that highlighted her curves, hugging her body perfectly, and that was one of his favorites, antique pink, short sleeves reaching mid-shoulder, bottoms on the front, and a queen Anne neckline. 

When she turned around, she screamed, bowl almost falling to the floor. “You scared m —” 

“Shh,” Johnny whispered, placing a finger on her mouth, a brief moment of hesitation glinting in her eyes before it clicked. Things weren’t as hectic as she expected them to be, so the whole free-use thing was starting to slip out of her mind too. “Keep baking,” he ordered, turning her around again, his big hands placed on her hips. “I love this dress,” he whispered, starting to kiss her neck while he pulled it up with slow tugs at the hip height, “makes you look like a milf.” 

“Johnny,” she lamented, even if she found that compliment hot. “Hey,” she said when he slapped her ass. 

“You’re forgetting too often it’s daddy for you, mommy,” he groaned before biting her earlobe, “but anyway, I don’t want to hear you talk. Bake.” 

She nodded swiftly, luckily for her she had everything she needed within easy reach, and only had to add the ingredients in the Thermomix, but Johnny was distracting, too much for her to do her tasks without shaking and already dripping between her legs. 

“I was watching you for so long, and you didn’t even notice…” he whispered, cupping her breast, smiling when he didn’t feel a bra. “Are you that naïve? So unaware of your surroundings? Do you have any idea of how hot you are?” 

She didn’t reply, breath faltering in her throat, and ass pushing back as the only response, a groan trapping in her mouth when she felt his hard cock press against her. 

“Of course, you do, pretty doll knows exactly how to get us hard for her,” he teased, fingers lingering on her skin, making her shiver. 

The way he was talking about her in the third person shouldn’t have turned her on as it did, but well, she shouldn’t have even been surprised anymore. 

“Let’s see if this doll is only pretty or if she can do something,” he whispered before she could feel him struggle with his pants, only pulling his cock out after pushing her dress up, fixing it on her hip. 

She bit back a moan when his tip rubbed against her slick hole, teasing her clit, and making her knees buckle as she tried to read the process to finish preparing the cake. The worst idea she ever had. 

“Fuck,” Johnny groaned when he pushed into her, pussy opening so nicely to welcome him in, big cock filling her so well she couldn’t help but moan. “Told you to keep baking, doll.” 

She nodded, biting her thumb before trying to concentrate. 

“Oh, and keep singing, I love your voice.” 

She cursed him mentally but tried not to lose her focus. After all, she wanted this, and she had no intention of backing up, it was hot, but it was so impractical for someone like her that wasn’t the best at not being desperate, and always got what she wanted with the snap of a finger. 

“Look at you,” he taunted with a sharp laugh, “shaking, already?”

“It’s — it’s hard to con —” she gagged when his hand wrapped around her mouth, keeping her quiet. 

“Dolls don’t talk,” he whispered in a growl, deep voice hitting straight to her core. “All my teasing, all my degradation, you take it and don’t say a word, got it?” 

Jade nodded, nails running against the counter, and pussy clenching around him at which Johnny let out a mocking laugh. “Pathetic.” 

“Gotta make sure you keep quiet,” he said, looking around to find something he could stuff in her mouth, looking for a towel until his eyes caught a glimpse of a knife. “Open up,” he ordered, humming when her lips parted. “And now careful,” he placed the handle of the knife on her lips, “keep it in place, and keep baking.” 

Her heart skipped a beat, adrenaline rushing wildly in her bones as soon as the handle met her lower lip, the thrill of the situation getting to her head. 

“Are you turned on by this?” He asked, but it was more of a surprised annotation for him, he considered she would safe-word out of it, but from the way her body was reacting, he doubted that. “Oh, pretty doll is nasty. What if you get hurt? You know it’s dangerous, right? Gotta be careful, doll.” But his actions were the total opposite of his caring words, his hips slammed hard against her, fucking her with force, and it was basically impossible to keep quiet and especially keep baking. But she tried anyway, shaky hands moving to mix the ingredients, and eyes skimming to read the instructions as she kept the knife still in her mouth. 

“Look at you, the perfect wife, aren’t you?” His hand left her hip to reach her clit and started rubbing it with slower moves. She nodded, humming around the knife, shaking when she felt the grip loosen, lowering her head and clenching her hands on the counter before she grabbed the last bowl and poured it into the mixer. “Baking something for us and letting me use you just like a perfect fuck doll.” 

Her head rolled back and Johnny slapped her ass. 

“Careful, I said. You don’t want to hurt me with that blade, right?” 

She looked to the side, trying to glimpse at the utensil trapped between her lips to see that he placed it so the cutting part was facing him, and her eyes widened. “Sorry,” she mumbled around it. 

“Just be careful, doll. Don’t make me regret getting you,” he whispered against her ear and she had to force her head straight, about to roll back once again, this time surely cutting him. 

She tried to grab a plate and move on with the preparation but there weren’t many coherent thoughts in her mind and her hands were shaking too much, causing the plate to slip and crash on the ground, fortunately without breaking.

“Fuck, you are useless, come here,” he groaned, grabbing her wrists and pushing them behind her back in a rough movement. She wanted to look back, hating not seeing him, but she couldn’t, and only let out muffled apologies as she tried to conceal the other moans. 

“Stop apologizing, you just have to feel good, can you at least do that?” Johnny asked, another slap landing on her ass, making her twitch and nod repeatedly. “Good, take it all like a good doll.” 

She closed her eyes, a furrow on her forehead with every rough thrust that pushed her hip bone against the hard surface, surely leaving marks for days to come. Moans growing louder when one hand reached forward to grope her boobs, tugging and squeezing. 

“Feel so good, doll, just what I needed,” he groaned, hips moving even deeper and faster, and she could tell he was about to come, cock twitching and moans getting deeper. “You’re so fucking wet, fuck, the wettest you’ve ever been, fuck. Can’t believe you like this so much.”

She didn’t even reply with a mumble, too lost in the pleasure of feeling the orgasm so close now. Her ass pushed back against him, back arching, and pussy clenching, but when Johnny pulled out, she let out a whine, forgetting of the knife that fell and bounced a few times on the counter. 

The tsk sound of disappointment coming from behind made her freeze, hands now free again since Johnny wasn’t holding them in place anymore. 

“Bad doll,” he mocked, open wide hand colliding against her ass, making her flinch, and moan. Johnny chuckled, turning her around and pushing her on her knees. 

“Johnny, please no,” she begged before groaning when he tugged her hair back with a harsh grip. “Daddy, daddy, I’m sorry.” 

“I don’t think you are,” he said, tapping her lips with his cock. “You were such a good girl, what happened?” He cooed gently, but he started fucking her mouth immediately, grinning when he met her pleading eyes. “Oh, you wanted to come, didn’t you? Wanted me to fill you full of my cum?” 

She nodded, choking on him, barely having time to adjust to his size, it was impossible every time no matter that it had been years. 

“I don’t think it’s part of the deal, doll. But I would’ve, you know daddy is so nice to you... if you act well. You were a mess, doll. You don’t get pleasure,” he said through moans, facefucking her just to reach his climax. His head rolled back after their eyes met, the way she was staring up at him enough to push him closer to the edge. His fingers wrapped harder in her hair, keeping her in place until he knew it was a matter of seconds. “Come here, turn around,” he ordered, jerking her up on her legs again and bending her on the counter roughly, never letting go of the hold while he pushed the tip inside and emptied himself into her, barely fucking into her entrance, just enough to get off and make a dripping mess between her legs. 

She muttered a curse under her breath, trying to squeeze her thighs to come but by now her orgasms slipped out too far to reach it, and only turned around, meeting Johnny’s face, a grin on his lips while he pushed his hair back. 

“So, knives?” He hummed, hugging her, pushing the dress back in place, and leaving small kisses on her shoulder. 

Jade rolled her eyes, pushing him away with a push of her ass, and then said, “stuck in your throat if you don’t help me finish the cake.” 

Johnny laughed, kissing her again on the lips before nodding. “Of course, I’ll help my wife, if I feel generous I might even eat you out after.” 

Taeyong couldn’t deny he found that hot, knowing she was walking around the house with no underwear on — not that it was different than usual, to be honest, he knew Jade liked being free more than she confessed — to watching the others touch her more than usual, tease her, push her on her knees or bend her over. But that was it, he liked to watch. A bit because he had no idea how that would work, he wasn’t the active one, he liked when she had control, and a bit because something about the whole thing was turning him on. 

But right now that he was going crazy over an essay he had assigned to his students, he thought that maybe this whole free-use thing could’ve been useful. 

“You needed me?” Jade’s voice rang cheerfully in his ears as her head peeked from the door, staring at him with a big smile on her face. 

He hummed, signaling her to get inside with two fingers, and pushing his glasses back on his nose. 

“Oh, you’re grading. Need help with the essays?” 

Taeyong shook his head, moving the chair behind before his head pointed under the desk. “Need help to relieve the stress they give me.” 

A wide smile crossed her face before she kneeled on the floor, luckily for her the desk was high and she could comfortably stay underneath it. She pulled his pants and underwear down as soon as he got back in place and she could hear the sound of the keyboard. 

“You’re not hard,” she whispered.

“Nothing hot about terribly copied and pasted essays about the ’50 fashion.” 

She chuckled, imagining his face while he said that; she couldn’t lie, Taeyong was very hot when he was pissed off, he was also quite scary, but as long as that wasn’t directed at her, she could only think he was hot. 

She swiftly leaned closer, grabbing his soft dick with one hand before licking the tip. She didn’t take it all in, taking her time to pump it in her hand and occasionally suck the tip, she knew Taeyong was incredibly sensitive and loved it, he wasn’t one for messy blowjobs, always liked things clean — except when it was time to eat her pussy — and he lived for attention, small touches, long kisses — wherever they were aimed at. 

“Fuck,” he muttered, fingers tapping on the keyboard aggressively and she couldn’t get if it was referring to her or whatever atrocity one of his students wrote in the paper. 

And those essays must’ve been really fucking terrible because Taeyong did something he would never do. She gagged around him, eyes wide in surprise when, after a while, one of his hands reached down and shoved her down. Her nose pressed against his skin, making it harder to breathe while she coughed hard around his size. Not only Taeyong didn’t like it messy, and now it was getting messy with all the spit she couldn’t swallow and inevitably spilled out of the corners of her mouth, but also he was never this rough. His hold on her was fierce, keeping her in place with no chance of pulling away. 

Her ass moved side to side, squirming desperately as she tried to adjust to his intrusion and breathe somehow, but she couldn’t pretend she wasn’t getting turned on. 

“Past their twenties and this is how they write?” Taeyong huffed, and she would’ve giggled if that was another situation, but now she could only gag, an embarrassing amount of drool rolling down his thighs and smearing on her chin when he started moving her head up and down, still keeping her pressed down every time she reached the base. It shouldn’t have been this turning on, it should’ve felt embarrassing, but the way her cunt throbbed between her panties was a clear sign it was driving her insane. 

She was also losing count of how much time had passed, feeling her brain spinning as the air in her lungs dimmed more and more, and only a louder, lewdest gag made him let go of her head, finally letting her take a deep breath that pushed some fresh oxygen in her brain. 

It didn’t last long, though, Taeyong was seriously losing his patience, not only the errors were getting on his nerves but it was also clear as the sky how they did it just because they had to, putting no interest or care in it. And if he didn’t have all that pent-up stress on his shoulders he wouldn’t have taken it upon her, but right at the moment, he was seeing red. 

When Taeyong pushed her down, she took a deeper breath, eyes rolling back as the tip of his cock hit the back of her throat, and low grunts started rolling out of his mouth. Those sounds were so rare to hear, always used to the submissive, breathy and high-pitched whimpers and whines he let out. And the amount of cum drooling between her legs was pathetic, but it was even more what she did after. Luckily his feet were in front of him, the left one positioned right between her legs, she didn’t even do it on purpose, her body lowered just a bit and when she met it, covered with a sock, her body started moving on its own. It wasn’t her proudest moment, but she needed to find relief somewhere. 

Taeyong didn’t get it immediately, he only quirked a brow when he started to feel the cloth wet and stick to his skin. He looked down with a smirk on his face even if he could only see the top of her head, and grinned. “Getting off on my feet like a horny puppy? Really?” 

She hummed, gargling around him, another river of spit running down her chin. 

“So fucking desperate you don’t even have a bit of shame, have you?” 

The harsh comment only made her grind on him harder and faster, clit rubbing aggressively the textured fabric increasing the sensation of pleasure. 

And Taeyong would’ve liked to act unfazed and focus on his screen but unfortunately, she was distracting, and the more he looked at those words on the paper the more he lost his temper. He lifted her head up, moving back with the chair, watching as she crawled out of the desk, face stained with tears and spit smashed all over her lower half and cheeks, some even connecting her lashes. The view was enough to make him groan and throw his head back. 

Jade didn’t move closer right away, she took her time to stare at him too. He was wearing normal house clothes, his black pants at his knees and the black sweater covering his chest, and yet he looked so powerful with his legs spread, hard cock staining the shirt with pre-cum and spit, and neck in perfect view, his jaw so sharp she could cut her fingers. 

“Come here, pup, you’re not done.” Something about his sudden dominant switch made her brain spin and her clit throb, pushing her knees on the cold ground to sit between his legs again. “Keep your mouth open, okay? I’ll fuck it nice and rough and all you can do is hump my feet like a desperate puppy. Got it?” 

She nodded enthusiastically before her lips parted and her eyes stared at him, eyelids falling shut as soon as the head of his cock hit the back of her throat when he started thrusting up with controlled, fast moves. He really was stressed to act like this. But she didn’t mind, even if his balls slapped with roughness against her chin, the spit that fell on them before creating dirty wet sounds resonating loudly, filling her brain along with the gagging sounds coming from the back of her throat. 

Taeyong didn’t think he was going this hard, and he was quite surprised at how messily she was taking him, considering how ten times harder the others used to go on her and how well she took it anyway, but he didn’t mind if she wanted to be messier this time. Something in the way her wet eyes were looking at him and how he could feel her throat clench around his tip was enough to set him off. 

She gasped loudly when he tugged her away, coughing and sputtering messily, ass pressing down to grind with force against him, eyes dropping as she concentrated only on her pleasure and Taeyong only stared for a while. 

“Take your clothes off,” he ordered, letting go of her hair. 

“All of them?” 

He hummed, rubbing his chin, and resting his arm on the armrest. 

“But I’ll be cold,” she complained, still rolling her hips around, yelping when Taeyong slipped his feet away, leaving her unsatisfied. 

“I don’t really care. Undress, now.” 

No more words of complaint came out of her lips as she swiftly pulled up her sweater — Yuta’s sweater — before her hands moved to pull out of the way the skirt that was already half rolled up on her ass anyway, and then the panties met the same fate. 

“Keep your socks on,” he said, stopping her from reaching down. “You look good in them. Move the mirror, wanna look at you as you get off on me that desperately.” 

Shame set her body on fire but she still crawled toward the standing mirror and angled so he could see her in the reflection. 

“You’re so pretty when you crawl, you know?” He whispered, biting his lips, hungry eyes following her get back between his legs. “But you look even better buried deep between my legs.” 

He groaned when her lips wrapped around him again, throwing his head against the chair before he looked down, grabbing her head with a firm hold. 

“Gonna use that pretty mouth until I come,” he moaned, hips picking up the fast speed of before, ass lifting from the chair to aim better strokes, the lewd sounds of smacking and choking filling the four walls again. His eyes fell on the mirror, fixated on her ass grinding on his foot, the plump flesh bouncing up and down with every grind, feeling the sock get even wetter now that her panties weren’t getting in the way. His nails grazed her neck, shoving her down completely, her nose pressing against his lower stomach again, leaving no space to breathe, but this time his cock throbbed inside her, ass clenching and balls tightening as his orgasm hit, filling her mouth with so much cum she felt like choking on it, too concentrated on his pleasure to even keep grinding on him. 

When Taeyong pulled out she coughed, cleaning her face and pouting in disappointment at another ruined orgasm. 

“Clean yourself with Yuta’s sweater and then take my clean shirt,” he said after kissing her, fixing his clothes and running a hand in his hair. “You can stay here next to me.” He pointed at the floor and she giggled, feeling a bit of shame creep up but still got up to throw Yuta’s stained sweater in the laundry, hoping to don’t meet anybody on the way out — or maybe yes, since she longed an orgasm. But before she could go out, Taeyong stopped her. 

“You’ll ride me later, I’ll need it to let go of the stress they’re putting me through.” 

She didn’t expect Jaehyun to last that long, especially since the others never stopped teasing her and fucking her after the first time — the whole thing prolonged more than just the weekend, obviously. The only free time she got was when she was working and had the silver bracelet off, which was on at the first break, and pretty much anytime she even went downstairs to drink some water, praying that whoever was home was going to make her waste some time. And when her boyfriends weren’t at work it went smoothly, exactly how she wanted. 

They couldn’t keep their hands to themselves. Even when they weren’t fucking her, they were so touchy, cupping, squeezing, and pulling her body just for fun. 

And she couldn’t quite get why Jaehyun still didn’t make a move. He rarely resisted her when they weren’t doing this, so why was he holding back now? 

“Are you sure you don’t want to come with us?” Johnny asked after leaving a peck on her lips. They were all ready for bed, Yuta and Taeyong already disappeared upstairs, probably to watch a movie they wouldn’t have finished, fast asleep before even reaching half of it.   

Jade hummed, kissing him again. “Yeah, I’m not tired, I’ll wait for Jaehyun up.” 

“Fine, night.” 

She glanced at the clock, it was quite late, and even if Jaehyun warned he had an unforeseen and would’ve come home later than usual, she couldn’t help but be worried. It was almost midnight and he still wasn’t home, yet. 

Jaehyun didn’t want that to be the first time either, it wasn’t that he was waiting, it was that he was never home, and when he was, he was too tired to barely do vital things like eating and cleaning himself that sex was the last thing that crossed his mind. 

But that night was the last straw. He was so tired that he was mad, he had so much pent-up stress he felt he could explode and he probably would’ve taken it off of something else if she was sleeping, maybe a quick jack-off under the burning hot shower, but when he reached his bedroom and saw her there, silver bracelet visible on her wrist, and only his white shirt on, he lost it. 

Jade was giving him her back, and she didn’t even notice him, too concentrated on her phone, mumbling curses while she texted him to ask where the hell he was, seriously scared for him until she started being afraid for herself when one hand wrapped around her mouth and another on her waist, lifting her up. 

She let out a strangled scream, kicking her legs in the air until she finally heard that familiar voice. “It’s me.” 

“You scared me,” she whispered when his hand moved away and she could breathe again. “I was worried for —” 

“Just shut up,” he ordered, lying her on the bed not so delicately. “I need you.” She was a bit taken aback, not that he didn’t usually like rough stuff but she was still in her paranoid worried girlfriend state and was more concerned if something bad happened rather than focusing on what was finally happening. “I love when you wear my shirts, they look so good on you,” he groaned, running his hands over her body, squeezing the soft flesh. “Wanna fuck you in it,” he leaned down, kissing her hard, groaning when her hands reached for his hair. She mistook it for a pleasured groan but she got he was annoyed as soon as he removed his tie and wrapped her wrists around the bedrest. 

Oh, he was pissed. 

But something about that was already making her dripping wet, her heart pumping loudly in her chest with excitement. His furrowed concentrated face, his dark eyes, and the greediness in which his hands were touching her, all reminded her of their first fucks together, when they hated each other and reversed all their hatred in the sex. How much she missed them, so raw and needy. But now it was similar, sure, he didn’t hate her anymore, but she felt like thanking whatever thing was driving him crazy right now, she could’ve saved the worried-sick-girlfriend-talks for later. 

When he spread her legs open like butterfly’s wigs, she moaned, her lower body exposed to the cold air and his burning eyes. 

“Is that a plug, baby?” He asked, pushing two fingers against the head of the toy coming out of her rim. “Oh, how did you know I wanted to fuck your ass tonight?” 

Well, if you paid any attention to me in the last few days you would know I’m wearing it for some time now, she thought but she kept that in her mind. Just like she kept in her mind how excited she was that he was going to fuck her ass. The others were always way too reluctant to do it even if they liked it, but they didn’t love it as she and Jaehyun did. And yes, nobody of her boyfriend fucked her ass like him; no fear, no intention of being too careful, knowing she could take it. 

“Maybe we are connected, or maybe your little brain knew I would’ve had zero patient to prep you,” Jaehyun whispered, watching her body react to those words. No, he would’ve never fucked her without prepping her, but he needed to send across the message of how desperate he was to have her. And either way, she liked it, even if she was letting out zero words like he ordered. He could see the cum oozing out of her cunt and meeting the toy. “Dripping already,” he teased, pushing two fingers inside her, before tsking, “how many times did they fuck you today, uh?” 

She shook her head, pretending nothing had happened. Blatantly lying as if before dinner they didn’t have a threesome while Taeyong watched in a corner — unlike what he believed, she saw him. 

“They always use your pretty pussy but never your tight ass, right? Maybe we should give her a rest and leave you gaping from another hole.” 

Jade nodded, eyes glistening in excitement. 

“I know, love, I know. You love getting your ass destroyed, can’t wait to make your dreams come true.” His fingers pulled out, wiping them swiftly on her leg before they fumbled with his clothes. When he came back to the bed he pulled the plug out, admiring how stretched out she was already. He tapped her lips with his fingers, and she immediately opened up. “Good girl, suck them well so I can lube my cock. That’s all your getting tonight, I hope you poured enough inside before.” 

She nodded, messily sucking the two fingers to coat them with spit, not even caring if it hurt a bit more when he pushed in without more lube. Jaehyun pulled out with a loud pop before wrapping the same hand on his cock, wetting it with her saliva and the pre-cum that already dripped out of his tip. He didn’t ask if she was ready, he knew she was, he only spread her legs and pushed inside. This time she couldn’t hold in the scream of pleasure, head rolling back and eyes squeezing shut while her jaw tensed up. 

“Fuck, feel so good, baby,” he groaned, his hips were still for a while, just the time to place her ankles on his shoulders and start moving right away. “Wanted this for so long.” 

Yeah, me too, she thought but that only crossed her mind while she let go to pleasure, hips rolling against him as a spontaneous response, begging him to fuck her even harder. And Jaehyun did, hands moving to grip her waist, letting her keep her legs in place, and bouncing her against him with forceful strokes. She tried to conceal the moans but it was impossible, it felt too good and she needed it so much she felt so close to coming even if he barely just started. She didn’t know if it was for the several orgasms of a few hours before, maybe she was ovulating, or probably it had just been too long since she had been fucked like that, whatever it was, she couldn’t hold it in. 

“Oh, honey, came already? How desperate are you?” He groaned, slapping her ass. “Didn’t they fuck you enough?” He cooed, tilting his head, hissing in a curse when she squeezed him more, and more cum dripped out of her cunt. “They didn’t?” He mimicked her when she shook her head. “Insatiable, aren’t you? Need to be fucked so badly that you offered — fuck — for us to take any time and any place as if you weren’t crawling on your knees anyway.” 

“Please,” she whimpered, struggling against the tie, trying to break free from it. Jaehyun only chuckled gutturally watching her struggle. 

“Keep struggling, love. If you want to mark your wrist you’re doing an amazing job,” he mocked, smirking. 

Jade huffed, throwing her head back, and giving a few other tugs at the fabric before giving up. 

“See,” he hummed, leaning down to bite her collarbone, “it’s so much easier when you listen.” 

“But —” 

“Shut up,” he ordered, cupping her chin before pushing two fingers into her mouth. “I told you I don’t want to listen, just let me fuck you like you wanted to.” 

She hummed around his fingers, nodding her head before her eyes closed again, trying to don’t come for the second time before him, it would’ve been too embarrassing how easily she was coming that night. But Jaehyun knew her too well to don’t notice, and as much as he was focused on his pleasure he would’ve never lost the chance to tease her. 

“Want to come again?” 

She denied, moving her head side to side, doing so causing some spit to drip out of her lips. 

“Lying to me, really? You’re making a mess between your legs, there’s so much cum and it’s not even mine.” 

She sniffled, trying to take a bigger breath from her nose and don’t choke on his digits when he kept hitting right where she felt him the most. 

“I’ll let you come, love. You know I always do,” he smirked when her eyes snapped open, shining with a hopeful light. “Later, once I’m done with you, maybe I’ll make you come again.” 

“Please,” she mumbled, voice muffled by his fingers that kept moving into her mouth. 

“No begging, this is not for you,” he groaned, pulling out of her mouth to grab her ankles and push them up almost bending her in half, both mentally thanking Taeyong for convincing her to take yoga classes with him, it always came in handy in the nastiest moments. “Don’t speak, don’t you dare let out a word, clear?” 

She nodded, breath cut short anyway by the position and the pleasure cutting right into her brain. 

His last thrusts were sloppier, with a less specific pattern, but not any less hard and breath-knocking. His low and ragged breaths came out of his mouth in puffs. 

“’m not done with you,” he hummed, pulling out and swiftly freeing her before he quickly shifted her around, positioning her exactly how he wanted; ass up and face down. “Need to fuck you until I forget about everything else.” 

She smiled, finding it cute how usually it was about her forgetting everything else. But her smile turned into a hazed-out grin as soon as his cock filled her again. She didn’t even try to hold the moans, Jaehyun was just too good and in this position, they both loved so much, he gave his best. 

“Shit, you’re dripping all against my balls, fuck, can feel how wet you are with every — shit — thrusts against your cunt.” 

“Feels good,” she whimpered, hoping he was going to let her talk, if she could talk back. 

“’ Course it does,” he groaned, before slipping a hand around her front and pushing her up against him. Her head rolled back, meeting his shoulder and he smirked. “Love this better, don’t you?” 

“Yes, fuck — fuck me harder, please.” 

“Harder? Can you take it?” 

She nodded, biting her lip, reaching forward to sink her nails into his forearm and hold herself onto something. Her back arched more as waves of pleasure ran through her body, Jaehyun was particularly loud that night, letting out groans and moans he usually kept inside, voice so hot and low it was getting to her head so easily. He sounded feral, pounding into her with harsh thrusts, their skins rubbing together, hips slamming against her ass adding to the lewd sounds of his cum squelching out of her with every move. 

“Fuck me so well,” she cried out, letting her head hang forward, mouth agape, some drool dripping in a thread without her even realizing it. 

Jaehyun groaned, eyes fixating on her ass, watching it bounce up against him, staring at his cock stretching her tight rim and pushing the cum outside while her moans played in his brain like a melody. Brain spinning with all the pleasure. It was everything he needed. 

He let go of his hold, pushing her face down on the mattress while he swiftly adjusted, one knee planting at her left while his feet kept his body up on the other side, the position allowing him to pound into her faster and deeper, forcing her back in a deep arch. 

She let out a whiny moan, eyes rolling in the back of her head, the white of her sclera the only thing Jaehyun could see as he stared down at her fucked out face. 

“Look at you taking it like a cock-drunk doll, you live to be fucked however we want, don’t you?” 

Jade could barely find the strength to move her neck in a nod of agreement, pussy clenching crazily around nothing, so much cum dripping out of her, adding to the mess of his, creating a pool on the sheets, clit throbbing as another orgasm menaced to ripple through her. 

“That’s it,” he groaned, hips moving faster, he was barely pulling out, just enough to hit her right where he needed to make her tremble under him. “Come around my cock, come on.” 

A long whine came out of her throat before her jaw tensed and her toes curled, chest heaving hard pressed between the mattress and Jaehyun’s hand keeping her in place. Some tears spilled out of her eyes as the second orgasm washed over her and Jaehyun at the same time, his thrusts coming to a stop while his cock rubbed in circles and throbbed inside her, coating her walls in white. 

“Fuck,” he sighed, lowering his head and rubbing her hips in soothing movements before he pulled out and laid at her side. 

“So, I guess today at work was stressful,” she chuckled when they both gained back some air, and Jaehyun chuckled, hiding in the crook of her neck. 

“Tragic,” he whispered, before pulling away, brushing her hair back. “Nothing that you won’t fix, though.” 

“Me and maybe a shower, you always make me sweat so much.”

Jaehyun chuckled, stretching before scooping her up to walk to the bathroom, “I have to make it up for all the times you don’t hit the gym with me.”

I really loved writing this since I missed them a lot, so I hope you liked reading it! Please support me by letting me know your opinion with a comment, a reblog (even if you don't want to comment on it, they help reach more people), or even an ask. ♡

You can add yourself to the taglist if you want to, please specify what you want to be tagged in.

[xoxo-ren-xoxo]

4, 7, 13, and 19 for the fanfic writing asks

4. Link your three favorite fics right now.

Oh man, you're making me CHOOSE??? This is fucked up and evil actually. Okay. Ugh, there are so many I love... buuut I can probably muster up three currently updating fics. If anyone wants my completed fic recommendations then ask away!

First of all, @angeart 's wonderful(ly evil) Help Me To Breathe, which I have been commenting essays on for a while now. I'm biased because we're friends but this fic does so many things right - it is long but for me it's definitely worth it. How she handles mental health struggles is really poetic whilst remaining grounded, which I appreciate a lot. If you're looking for... 242k words (so far) of scarian angst, this is the fic to check out. It's not finished yet but it is worth waiting for.

Next, @definitelynotshouting 's lost in the dark (he's got a heavy heart) is THE fic that started my obsession with watcher!Grian. It's the fic that inspired my own watcher/listener series (shameless self promo) and it is constantly taking up space in my brain. It is devastatingly sad, but it is about recovery, ultimately, and again I really love how it's being handled so far. Really worth the read.

Finally, @uhohbestie 's There Are Monsters Nearby .... when I say this fic has been living in my head rent free... I mean this fic has been LIVING. THRIVING. in my mind. This is truly classic zombie fiction, where the zombies are kind of second to the relationship drama. I love the explorations of disability in the apocalypse, something I myself have been advocating for in my original writing, and the depictions and emotional beats surrounding cheating, flawed perspectives and jealousy are heartbreaking and so realistic. Wonderful fic. I am in shambles. Please read it.

7. Do you prefer to read short fics or long fics?

My ideal fic seems to be anywhere between 5k and 200k, but then some of my favourites have also been oneshots. I tend to go for any multichapter with more than 1k words per chapter, and any oneshot that takes my interest (though a longer one (5k +) will catch my eye a bit more than a drabble). It's kind of hard for me to tell, because I read a lot of unfinished fics, but I do kind of prefer fics that take months to update but give a 5k + chapter every time... longer *tends* to mean slightly higher quality, but that is not always the case. Agh. I don't know. Every rule can be broken.

13. Do you outline your fics? How much of a headache would someone get if they just looked at an outline of yours without reading the fic?

Yes and no. Multichapters tend to get their own little document for organisation with each chapter broken down into scenes. However, for Comms AU, I quite insanely went into it with no plan or outline. Yes, I am just now getting an outline together. Yes, it is a fic with 5 different timelines happening at once. Yes, I am regretting the lack of plan.

19. Do you edit your fics after you write them, or do you prefer to just hit post and run (because it’s someone else’s problem now)?

I write, then pass at least once (usually twice, sometimes even three times) to edit. My edits usually attempt to flesh out things that feel rushed or don't make sense. My writing is tricky sometimes, I hate writing plainly and that then becomes a weakness when I spend 5 paragraphs describing the texture of the air without actually explaining what's happening. So I try to clean that up. Comms AU gets one edit, usually, because it is just "audio", though with all my fics I sometimes edit as I write - especially if I've taken a break and decide to re-read what I've written.

Thanks for sending these asks! I have discovered that I need to make a longer fic rec post omg...

The ask game!

[monstersinthecosmos]

🔮

🔮 Any advice for writers working through burnout or writer’s block?

!!!! Yes, absolutely.

I have three main approaches to this for myself, and I know everyone's brains and writing habits are different so yknow like take it or leave it or modify it to your own needs but here's three things I always fall back on when I'm stuck.

Be kind to yourself.

Be honest with yourself. Is there a reason the writing needs to be done NOW? You are not a machine. If it's not there, it's not there. Obviously this doesn't apply if you have deadlines to meet but if you're writing for fun, don't get so twisted up about it that it's not fun anymore. WHAT ARE WE DOIN HERE FELLAS?! It's okay to take a break and recover until it feels right again, you don't have to fill a quota.

Set extremely small goals.

I try to write 100 words a day because I have ADHD and I get crazy burnout and/or I go into creative frenzies where I binge write for 3 days and don't do the dishes. There's a balance in here somewhere lol. An easy goal and a routine can help a lot. 100 words is a joke. But there are days where it's a HUGE struggle. But it's still doable, and I walk away feeling like I chiseled away at the idea a little bit.

I can't stress enough that you can't push yourself THROUGH burnout, and this can go to any type of burnout. (I feel this way about house keeping too LOL). You're drawing from an empty well. Be honest with yourself, be kind to yourself, set a realistic goal. If you're burnt out you're not gonna sit down and crank out 2k in an evening, you just aren't, and if you try to force it you're just gonna feel worse when you can't do it. Be gentle. Make easy goals. Ease yourself back into it.

And don't forget, sometimes chiseling away is just exactly what you need to do. I sometimes go weeks where I put in 100 words at a time on a fic and then finally I make it through the hard part and 6k floods out of me all at once. Chiseling away is good. You will find your way back when you get through the hard part.

(Also, even if you're chiseling away with garbgae & nonsense, that's okay! You can edit it later! A sloppy first draft is better than no draft!)

Refill the well.

Speaking of drawing from an empty well; creativity requires an input and an output, imo. That's my personal opinion!! Sometimes you need to take a break and work on the input stream, too. Take a week where you watch a movie every night instead of trying to write. Reread a book from an author you admire. Stare at some paintings. Listen to your headphones in the dark, whatever the fuck it is !

You're running on empty! And it's not just the basic human energy to function! It's the creativity! It's the inspiration! If you're writing a fic, revisit the source! Remind yourself why you like it! If a movie or song or picture gave you the idea for your fic, go back to that! Absorb it, replenish yourself!!!!!

I know sometimes when I talk writing stuff that I speak about it more like, idk philosophically? And I know others might have technical advice, like write scenes out of order, change the font, sit in a different area of the house, find a friend to cheerlead! All of those things can work, too, and I try them sometimes. ((I have more to say about this and about how outlines are my lord & savior when writing with ADHD and trying to chisel away a scene at a time)) But like, all of that I think is a bit secondary to just being kind to yourself and taking care of your mental health first and getting yourself back into a place where you CAN be creative and find that drive again.

My life would be a fucking shambles if I couldn't make lil routines for myself with the ADHD and Brain Problems and whatnot and I leave myself an hour every day to write, right before bedtime! 9-10pm every night I'm CLOCKIN IN! And for me it's like a lil reward at the end of the day, so that I can like unwind, end the day, stop worrying about whatever else I didn't get done, etc. Making space for it as a fun activity and a reward is essential for me, and I still get stuck sometimes, but going back to these ideas helps me a lot!!!!!!!!!!!

[ukrfeminism]

10 minute read

Thousands walk past every day without noticing it or knowing anything about the lives being transformed inside. Nestled behind the sunflower-hued door of a Georgian terraced house, on a busy Brighton street, the Brighton’s Women Centre (largely known by its acronym the ‘BWC’) – is home to those facing unique difficulties, in particular those at risk of reoffending. 

The need for a place like this is great: statistics show that compared to men, women who receive a custodial sentence (prison time) are more likely to be complex and vulnerable individuals, who’ve experienced trauma and abuse – and while 95% of male prisoners’ children remain in their own homes when their father is incarcerated, the same can be said for only 5% of children whose mothers are jailed.

One woman who knows about this heartache first-hand is Hayley*, an evidently caring and straight-talking 43-year-old mother of five, who has been engaging with BWC for six years.

“I’d reached the point of no return when I first came here,” she tells me, as we sit in a quiet meeting room in the centre’s attic, leaflets about the help on offer scattered across a nearby table. “My life was a mess, a shambles really.” Hayley, like many women who’ve been to prison, has dealt with addiction issues, abusive relationships, and unstable housing, all of which contributed to her committing an offence and serving time whilst pregnant. When she left HMP Bronzefield six years ago, Hayley describes herself as ‘broken’. 

“I’d started to wake up when I was arrested, but when I came here, it was the first time I really felt I was being listened to and that there was hope of change. I was pregnant again, with a set of twins, and I’d already had three daughters taken off me. Was I really gonna go through that again?” she shares, reflecting on how far she’s come since first walking through that sunshine yellow door. “When you go through the justice system, you meet a lot of people and go to a lot of places. You meet probation officers, and they’ve got your file in front of them… you instantly feel judged.”

She adds, “You’re scared to be totally honest about your situation in case it comes back to bite you later on. People get scared they’ll lose their children if they ask for help [with a substance abuse issue]. You feel you’re drowning. But it’s not like that in BWC, it’s a women’s only space that has a different energy. There was no chaos in the building, it was just calm.” 

Hayley was first referred to BWC under court orders via her probation officer following a pre-sentence report, which she says is what ‘saved’ her from another stretch in prison. She now also credits her case worker, Marion, for also ‘drip feeding’ her information about the signs of coercive control, narcissism and abuse too, during their chats over cups of tea. “I started to feel a bit empowered and could recognise behaviour that wasn’t right for the first time.”

Unlike a refuge or shelter (accommodation for those fleeing abuse), the function of a women’s centre can sometimes be confused – which is understandable, given that the likes of BWC seem to… do it all, for anyone in need of help. As well as having staff on hand for practicalities such as housing issues, financial problems, mental health support (counselling and psychotherapy is available) and food poverty (the latter being the service that’s seen the biggest increase in demand over the past year), women’s centres provide a safe space to talk – which can ultimately be the biggest game-changer for many. There’s also a cheerful nursery on site, Toy Box, so that mothers can attend appointments without fretting about childcare.

All of which is why the newly announced £15 million government cash injection into 40 women’s charities and centres in England and Wales, like the BWC, that support those at risk of reoffending, is so crucial. But is it enough, given that a recent Women In Prison report found nearly half of all women’s centres are concerned about their survival? What else can be done to stop women – and mothers in particular – from going to jail, and tearing apart families in the process, traumatising a new generation? Why are 3,219 women ending up in prison each year in the first place, with most having committed a non-violent, low-level offence?

Victims before perpetrators

“We often say that women who’ve gone to prison were victims before they were perpetrators,” says Damian Hinds, Minister for Prisons, Parole and Probation, who joins me at BWC. “We know female offending is typically driven by factors such as drug and alcohol abuse, domestic violence, and mental health issues. Around 60% of women in prison have experienced domestic abuse and about half have some kind of drug problem, so we need to tackle those underlying issues with earlier intervention and better support, to stop the cycle of offending.” 

He praises the Female Offender Strategy that began in 2018, with the aim of tackling the root causes of female offending and reducing prison numbers (Hinds’ team also shares that between June 2018 – June 2022 the number of women sentenced to immediate custody fell by 37%). 

However, whilst news of the funding is a welcome step in the right direction "that provides a much-needed respite for organisations working tirelessly to meet the needs of at-risk women, or those in contact with the criminal justice system”, there's still a long way to go, says Sonya Ruparel, the Chief Executive of Women In Prison (a charity that has supported women in the criminal justice system for 40 years). Their work sees them have a presence inside prisons, in the community and ‘through the prison gate’ as they help women to resettle in their communities.

"The money is providing a temporary solution to a long-term problem, and this £15m available pales into insignificance when compared, for example, with the £200m the government are investing in an extra 500 prison places for women," she explains. "Despite the government’s commitment to reducing the women’s prison population, they are projecting it will rise by up to 35% in the next three years. 

"Without real investment in services that support women to address the root causes of crime such as domestic violence and abuse, debt and homelessness women will continue to be unnecessarily swept into the criminal justice system." 

Female inmates, the majority of whom have been convicted of fraud (14%) or shoplifting (19%), also have to grapple with being incarcerated by a system designed with men in mind, and it is estimated that women sent to prison are seven times more likely to self-harm than men. Each year, 17,000 children are impacted by maternal imprisonment too.

Helping women to break the cycle of trauma is something that Lisa Dando, Director at BWC, and all her staff, are passionate about. They explain that a ‘trauma-informed’ approach is key when dealing with any woman living with multiple disadvantages [something that can be lacking during arrests, for instance, if officers haven’t been specially trained] and that a shortage of decent emergency accommodation sees women who’ve recently left prison instantly set up to fail. 

Too many are housed far from home – away from their support networks that help them to stay sober and happy – and are forced into mixed gender living situations, with shared bathrooms, toilets, and broken locks. All of which see their fight or flight responses fire up, particularly if they’ve been victims of domestic abuse or sexual violence. It’s much harder to stay sober when you’re scared and lonely.

The UK also continues to put pregnant women in prison, when other countries don’t. “Women give birth in prison here,” Dando adds. “I don't understand why the children are being punished for a crime their mothers have committed. The prison system is damaging in so many different ways and I'm also not convinced that the rehabilitation work that takes place inside, especially for women on short term sentences, which the majority are, has enough time to really make a difference.”

She adds, “It seems illogical [to break families up in this way] when there are alternatives, like women’s centres and non-custodial sentences, that are proven to work.” Dando, of course, caveats that this does not mean she supports people who’ve committed violent or very serious crimes going without punishment. 

It’s a sentiment that Hinds seemed to agree with during our interview too, along with the need for better trauma support training to be instilled across the justice system as a whole. “Trauma-informed services and spaces for these women are vital,” agrees Marion Taylor, Manager of the Inspire project at BWC, who has worked with Hayley. “It’s about working with women in a way that recognises they have trauma in their backgrounds, that shapes the way they’ve developed and react to certain things.” Consistency is also key; BWC is able to offer twelve sessions with a therapist, whereas the NHS offering typically hovers at around six to eight.

Part of the newly announced funding, of which BWC has received £761,280, will also be spent on creating better links between women’s centres and the police, which (as suggested by the Casey review) is rife with misogyny, racism and homophobia. “[The review] is a big part of why we wanted to form a partnership with the police, to divert women away from contact with them if possible,” Dando explains. “We want to step in early and provide a different model of support, to protect women from having to experience being in a police cell or the damaging effects of a service that is struggling. We’d like to bring a different view and educate the police on a new way of working.”

In terms of feeling the impact of previous government cuts to services, Dando diplomatically says that since she “joined fifteen years ago, it’s been peaks and troughs” and that currently, the centre looks set to be financially ‘safe’ for the next two years. She highlights the financial gains of custodial sentences being a last resort too, pointing out that incarceration costs around £42,000 per inmate compared with a community sentence coming in at around £2,000. Around 87% of women given a non-custodial sentence do not go on to reoffend either. Dando adds, “And really, we’re all at risk of needing a women’s centre if our circumstances suddenly change.” 

When asked by Cosmopolitan UK as to whether the new £15 million funding allocation is enough for women’s services, Minister Hinds said he feels it’s a “substantial investment” and that the scheme will reduce the £18 billion overall cost of reoffending for the taxpayer. “Female offenders also benefit from other support the justice and health systems provide, like the Probation Service and Government’s £3 billion 10-year drugs strategy investment.” 

Coming back from darkness

Someone who is a prime example of a non-custodial sentence working is Sarah*, a 60-year-old animal lover who explains that she snapped after a long-running dispute with her neighbour escalated during lockdown. The neighbour, she says, made an illegal roof garden on their building, that Sarah repeatedly said wasn’t safe – and her point was proven when a dog later fell off and was injured. Later on, whilst in the vet’s surgery, an argument between the neighbours grew heated and Sarah admits that she pulled her neighbour’s hair. 

Her situation, Sarah points out, is a prime example of circumstances changing in an instant – and to her credit, she repeatedly acknowledges that she shouldn’t have become physical in that scenario. “I do sometimes wake in the night and think how could this happened? I pulled her hair. Yet I've been punched in the past, and it never goes to court. It was all just blown completely out of proportion… I used to work for probation, I spent five years working with one parent families.”

Ultimately, after sleepless nights spent imagining how she’d survive in prison, Sarah was given a non-custodial sentence of community service work, which she completed in a PDSA charity shop, “I was put in a position in court, where if I opened my mouth and tried to stand up for myself, I knew I would go to prison,” she reflects. “So I stayed quiet and left it to my solicitor, who managed to reduce my sentence down to 50 hours of non-custodial work.” Alongside her sentence, Sarah was also issued an eviction order, which is what led her to BWC to seek help with housing. 

“It was last chance saloon,” she shares. “I’d tried to access other services but found they weren’t able to move fast enough for me. It had reached the stage where my family were exhausted with it all too. My kids are older – my daughter is a doctor and my son's a respected musician – they came with me to court, but they didn’t have the facilities to help me, whereas women’s centres do. Even things like utility bills, I've brought them here as I just couldn’t have handled them alone.”

Now, Sarah is in a much better space – both mentally and physically – having found alternative accommodation with BWC’s support, and once her 50 hours in the shop were up, she decided to stay on as she found it good for her confidence and sticking to a routine. 

Hayley now says she’s now able to be there for all of her children and is clean and sober. She is also single, having broken free of her pattern of repeatedly entering into abusive relationships, and tells me she’s teaching her 17-year-old daughter to spot the red flags that she missed early on. “My kids have seen a lot of things and experienced a lot of trauma, they've seen me beaten up, drug dealers come through the doors, windows being smashed… But now it's like, mum's not that person anymore,” she says. “They can see I'm not running to men, or looking for a man to fix me, or putting up with being spoken to in a certain way. I can finally set the right example.” 

For now, it sounds as though the likes of BWC and the forty other women’s centres that have received funding at least have a little space to breathe – but is allowing them a moment to pause and catch their breath really enough? Especially given that new stats show one in five people in the UK are living in poverty right now, and that debt and homelessness are precursors to potentially committing an offence. Is it right that women’s centres have had to fight so hard – and wait so long – to receive adequate financial support in the first place, given the incomparable work they’re doing? And whilst these forty centres can feel short-term relief, plenty of other incredible organisations around the UK are still struggling. Let’s hope this is only the beginning of the recognition, and that the pressure all women’s centres are feeling will be eased on a more permanent basis in the near future. 

*Name has been changed 

You can donate to Brighton Women's Centre here and Bankuet, the food bank association that work alongside the BWC, here

[bonnetpetit]

TW: panic attacks, grief, anxiety, generally not great mental health stuff. Please proceed carefully if you choose to read because I don’t want anyone to be triggered by what I’m talking about Letting all my thoughts out in a thread, probably a stupid idea

Twitter is hardly a place to seek help or counselling of any kind but I need to put my thoughts somewhere and threads have helped me before when my brain is disorganised so here we are

It’s currently 4am and I’m awake because I had a panic attack in the middle of the night. I checked Twitter on instinct because it used to be a safe space for me. This is where I came when I lost my grandma bc I needed a distraction from the grief. I needed somewhere I felt safe

The loss is something I haven’t spoken about much bc I needed a place to go where it wasn’t happening. I needed silly fun and SMAUs to keep my mind busy. I needed one place to go where I didn’t have to hear ‘sorry for your loss’ and ofmdtwt helped me to laugh when I wanted to d*e

You don’t know what’s going on in someone’s life and some people have treated what happened yesterday as drama to make jokes about. And to quote the show that supposedly unites us, I’m not fine. People have been hurt on all sides of this and I’m not ok with that.

People have made their own assumptions about what my opinion is because I didn’t say anything last night. People who were hyping me up after a bad day are now the same ones who have decided I’m not worth knowing at all because I didn’t say anything fast enough to suit them but I didn’t say anything because I was in the midst of a panic attack about everything. Panic attacks that I was doing so well on handling and now I’ve had 2 in less than 12 hours. So let me reiterate, you don’t know what’s going on in someone’s life.

And what’s fucking breaking me is the first person I would go to when my anxiety is this bad is my grandma. And she’d always say ‘oh love, things will turn out right, you can always come and talk to gran’ and now I’m curled up sobbing at 4am because she’s gone and I can’t

My safe spaces are gone. And some people reading are probably like ‘lol so over dramatic get over it’ and maybe you’re right. But once again let me remind you that you don’t know what’s going on in someone’s life. I’m still grieving and ofmdtwt was my safe space from it.

I’ve barely slept, I’ve had two panic attacks, my mental state is a shambles. I’m not in a good place. I want a hug from my grandma. I want to hear her voice, I want to be told ‘oh love, things will turn out right’ and believe it. Because right now I don’t believe it at all.

0 notes

[sukirichi]

holy shit long rant ahead

"Like-like you're looking for the man who courted you two years ago, the one you truly wanted to marry. Well, I'm sorry to disappoint, because you're not going to find him. He never existed in the first place. Whatever it is you're looking for, you won't find it in me," *shit here we go again audio with head in my hands*

"Get out of your head. Just because I did all those things for you, doesn't mean they meant something. Are you forgetting I spent two years of my life trying to win you over, and I never once felt something for you other than tolerance?" When your face fell, triumph washed over his features. "That's right. You remember now, don't you? She's the one I want. Everything I do is for her. Don't forget your place."

Man idk how the princess heard this another time without breaking down in rage cause either this man is going down with me or nothing. Princess where is your self respect? PICK YOURSELF UPPPPPPP THIS MAN LEGIT RUNS ALL OVER YOU AND all we do is cry and yearn for more LIKE WE NEED TO BLOW IR*S AND HIM UP ATP BRING THE BIG GUNS OUT I NEED KUROO AND HIS ROOSTER LOOKING ASS TO POST THAT ARTICLE ASAP

“Your mother's sniffles was the last thing you heard before the sound of a fist connecting with skin resounded in the area. Pulling back, you gasped at what you saw.”

OH THE SATISFACTION I FELT HERE SWEET HEAVENS I wish someone recorded it and we could watch it all over again cause UM LESGO WWE 🗣️🤺 never have I ever loved a father this much cause he SLAYED LEFT NO CRUMBS AT ALLL #curedmyfatherissues

“Want me, you pleaded silently, at least want me. Just a little bit.” pookie 🤠😟😞 cmon we better than this

“Rintaro hadn't mean to. Sure, he was careless and never used protection, but he thought little of it. Iris® cycles were irregular and they never worried if she missed her period. She was always on the pill - all because of him, since Kiyoomi wouldn't have touched her anyway.”

he’s one sick bastard I hope he rots imagine cheating on your wife that you claim to love, doing it in your shared bed AND without protection like babe the article was so deserved by god

and the ending sentence,,,,,just made me so sick because as much as I hate rin and ir*s, I think I hate the queen and the king more because the issues started with them. with the king being an absolute whore and having kids with random ass women LIKE WHERE IS THE VASECTOMY GET HIS TUBES TIED and the queen being a bitch to rin his whole life just to find out my man got issues for nothing??? not defending him at all but to find out that all he knew as his “home” and family (even tho they sucked) were all never really his,,, I can see his heart breaking with the image he had of his family in his mind in the form of drawings made by his inner child, torn in half,,,,,,,oh I am about to be SICK

(and once he finally found his real home aka princess, bro fumbled it up BADDDD like if I was him I would beg for forgiveness + repent + burn the castle with the queen in it <33 (not the princes, tobio pookie you are coming home with me)

bro’s mental health must be in a delicate state, I hate him but I am also worried for him 🥲

- Freud anon is in shambles btw

THE HERE WE GO AGAIN AUDIO AAHJKA SO TRUE he just keeps on going back and forth like decide already!! 😭 do you want us or not!!

the self respect is… there, just buried under very deep layers of still hoping for something good. but also like we can’t really blame dtd!yn for acting this way because rintaro was FINALLY changing and being the husband we wanted him to be! the whole romantic dinner setup, working on the beach house together, and not once even mentioning iris????!!? BRO WAS DEDICATED. but then yeah he really just had to ruin it all again UGH. “all we do is cry and yearn for more.” actually real.

the daddy issues tag im crying 😭 sending all my love and hugs to you anon. BUT YES omg I loveeee our dad so much in DTD because he really said fuck around and find out! dude literally did not care that he was punching a royal because his daughter was more important than their titles! our parents in dtd are soo parents goals I love them <3

nauh bcos rintaro is careless and CRAZYYY. not only did they do it in OUR bed but he did it raw like! I would’ve thrown up ngl. AGHJSKA the vasectomy LMFAO. unfortunately it’s his duty to have many children and he fulfilled that part VERY well, just yknow… they really should’ve specified to him that he had to have kids with his wife and not other women. but yes I agree! all the problems really started because the king and queen hated each other (or more like, the queen hated him for how he treated her, and the king just didn’t care about her at all. he just knew she’d be a good queen and he needed someone smart and capable in leading the country so he can slack off. terrible, terrible man.) YES OMGGG THE DRAWINGS STOPPP I GET SO SAD EVERYTIME I THINK OF RINTARO’S LIFE WAS STOLEN FROM HIM AND ALL HIS ISSUES, EVERYTHING THAT HE FUCKED UP, HAD BEEN FOR NOTHING! and now he’s fumbling so bad too like bro is losing everything that should’ve never been his in the first place ugh.

YES! we protect and love tobio in this house!! and I agree </3 rintaro is going through a lot and it honestly goes two ways – it’s either he does worse things to cope, or he completely shuts down and forgets everything that happened. I’m not sure which one I prefer…

[aita-alternia]

Am I the asshole for fucking off and not telling everyone where I was after a huge friend group drama?

Big sigh. Quirk dropped for OBVIOUS reasons.

So everyone here is post ban (varying castes) and in a shared Trollian memo board. I (violet) had a crush on this one friend (teal) I'll call Q for anonymity, for a while (over it now, still had at the time of the main drama). She recently got into a quadrant and didn't tell me because she didn't want to hurt my feelings. It's been all over fucking grumblr at this point, whatever.

The thing is, I found out through the fucking shared memo when someone else slipped up and memtioned it, and since one of the involved parties was one of my best friends, well, I took it a bit badly. We were very close before this and I'm NOT good with keeping emotions in check so I decided to have a little vacay. I took off and didn't tell anyone where I was going ( so I could fucking BE ALONE ) except my moirail (jade) for obvious reasons. I didn't want to blow up on anyone else ( I did end up yelling at someone anyway, go figure ) and literally nobody would fucking leave me alone so I dropped my palmhusk in my rabbit's pen and fucked off for a few nights.

APPARENTLY, I should have told people because everyone started freaking the fuck out about it. Several friends demanded my moirail tell people where I was, someone hacked my account to spam people with nonsense keysmash messages or something, it nearly caused a breakup, everyone started blaming Q, a third party (violet) figured out where I was and started provoking more arguments about it, and the memo was in fucking shambles.

I know all of this could have been avoided if I said anything at all during my little peace finding solo mission, but I didn't even have stable internet access TO check and I didn't WANT to talk to anyone. So I didn't know this was happening, I just came back to the dumpster fire.

Anyway, I was told by a few people that I should have at least said "I'm going offline a while" to someone before fucking off because my hyper emotional tendencies and history of dramatics made some people assume the worst. But I dont feel like it's fair to blame me for not thinking about that? I tried to explain this but one of my friends (gold) said I'm being a whiney wader and I should have just told people I was taking a break before leaving, especially since it "really wasn't as big of a deal as everyone is making it out to be" or whatever. I told them to kick rocks, but another person now told me they're right and they doubled down on it, saying I need to at least apologize for making everyone worry.

I know the drama itself isn't my fault really, because I didn't even do anything except have feelings, but my reaction was kind of extreme. And a lot of people told me they were genuinely worried I hurt myself. Even though I maintain that it's literally not anyone else's business, plus I'm fine now and... for fucks sake I'm allowed to not be chronically online for three fucking nights, I can tell I scared people.

My friends are torn on this but generally I keep hearing that they thought I wasn't coming back and I'm starting to feel bad, even though I did what I needed for my mental health. Should I have said something before I left? I didn't want anyone to yell at me or try to stop me, but I guess all I really accomplished was making everyone else freak out, which wasn't my intention.

Am I the one who needs to apologize?